How To Beat It


Yeah, I used to masturbate. A lot. I was a three-times-a-day man, but eventually I had to give it up. I’m not a Morman or anything, it’s just… well, I started therapy and it made me realise a few things. You see, it turns out that I have very low self-esteem. It was a confusing time for me, because I didn’t want to be having sex with someone who didn’t love me. I felt used. Like all I wanted was to get off and I didn’t give a fuck about the way I felt about me.

Then I started finding glasses around the house with lipstick marks on them. Yeah. I’d confront myself. Stand in front of the mirror and ask, “What the fuck’s going on?”. I’d tell myself that
everything was fine, that nothing was wrong, but deep down I knew I was sleeping with that slut from the accounts department. Well, I was jealous as hell, but there was something in my brain making me turn the other cheek. Protecting me. I didn’t want to think I could hurt myself like that.

So one night I come home drunk. Roll into bed, start touching myself. I leapt up and started screaming. “You don’t really love me, you’re just using me, you’re a prick, etc etc”, then I left,
spent the night crying in the carpark of the local IGA. After that, I never spoke to myself again.

Tell you what though, the sex was fantastic.

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