Homeless Stand Up Comedian


Uh well, hello there and thank you all for coming. Uh, yes I am a homeless man. I actually haven’t eaten in three days and the fact that you all turned up means I’m gonna get paid, which means I’m gonna eat, long story short, I wont be dead by tomorrow morning. So other comedians say “Thank you for coming”, they don’t mean it anywhere near as much as I do. I fuckin’ mean that shit. But I’ve been homeless now for about 3 years and it’s tough, uh I don’t quite fit in with all the other homeless guys, I’m kind of an outsider, reason being I don’t speak the official language of the homeless. That’s right, we actually have our own language. Well, you all know it as tourette’s. Yeah. Uh, but see you all think it’s some kind of disease or syndrome or whatever, but I’m here tonight to let you all know the truth. Fact is, those guys that you see walking the street muttering to themselves, they’re actually speaking in code. That’s right they’re relaying important information back to the government via tiny little microphones that you can’t see because they work for the government… as spies. Yeah. So you hear “Fuckin’ shit son of a cocksucker”, but what they’re actually saying is “Echo Charlie Delta. The woodpecker has left the menagerie.” Which actually makes less sense, but anyway. “Daddy, why is that man saying swears at himself?”, “That’s code Honey, pay him no mind”. Pay him no mind. Pay him no spare change either. “Hey mate, can I borrow a dollar for the train?”, “Well, for a start, no you can’t borrow a dollar, that would imply that you’re gonna pay me back. I think we both know that ain’t gonna happen. Secondly, I’ll bet that you actually want that dollar to buy cigarettes so hell no, I’m not gonna lend you a dollar.” You don’t understand though. The cigarettes allow the government to trace their positions. It’s a special chemical only found in “White Ox”. Or cask wine as a substitute.

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